One thing I have learned through Motivational Interviewing is that asking good questions is only part of a good conversation.
Sometimes we ask too many.
We want to understand, so we ask another question.
Then another.
Then another.
Before long, something that was meant to feel collaborative can begin feeling like an interview.
Reflective listening offers another way.
A reflection says, "I am trying to understand"
A reflection is not simply repeating someone's words.
It is listening for the meaning, emotion, values, or experience underneath what was said and offering that understanding back.
Someone says:
"Everybody keeps telling me what I need to do."
A simple reflection might be:
"You're getting a lot of advice."
A deeper reflection might be:
"You want some room to figure out what makes sense for you."
The second response does not tell the person what to do.
It offers a possibility about what their words may mean.
Then we listen to see whether we understood.
SAMHSA's Motivational Interviewing guidance describes reflective listening as making a tentative hypothesis about meaning or feeling, offering it, and then allowing the person's response to tell us whether we understood correctly. NCBI
That last part matters.
A reflection is not a declaration that I know what someone means.
It is an invitation for them to clarify or go deeper.
Curiosity can sound like a statement
This can feel strange at first.
Helpers are accustomed to showing curiosity with questions.
But reflections can sometimes create more room.
Compare:
"Why don't you want to go?"
with:
"Part of you is not convinced going will actually help."
The question asks for an explanation.
The reflection communicates understanding and leaves space for the person to decide where to take the conversation.
Try: Listen for what is underneath
When someone speaks, I can listen for several things:
Feeling
What might they be experiencing emotionally?
Meaning
What does this situation seem to represent for them?
Values
What matters to them underneath the problem?
Both sides
If they are ambivalent, what are the competing pulls?
Strength
What ability, effort, or value may already be present?
Then I offer a reflection without trying to make it perfect.
If I am wrong, the person can correct me.
That correction gives me more understanding too.
Putting It Into Practice
Try this during one conversation:
Ask one open question.
Listen carefully.
Then offer a reflection before asking another question.
Notice what happens.
Does the person elaborate?
Correct you?
Pause?
Go deeper?
Express something they had not said before?
The goal is not to perform an MI technique.
The goal is to understand another person more accurately.
For me, that is one of the most valuable lessons of reflective listening.
Sometimes people do not need us to find a better question.
Sometimes they need to know we truly heard the answer they already gave.
Sources and Further Reading
SAMHSA TIP 35, Enhancing Motivation for Change in Substance Use Disorder Treatment. NCBI
Motivational Interviewing Network of Trainers, MI resources and guidance.
